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Thursday, February 26th, 2009
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9:25 pm - Recent songs I've written
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DREAMER
I close my eyes
And we're dancing
In a castle in the sky
And you're romancing me
But when I open up I die
A prisoner to your grim reality
Won't you just be still and let me lead?
(*)
I am still a dreamer
You're not a believer
Let go and watch the worries fall
You can't make sense of it all
See beyond the danger
Trust a perfect stranger
I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live this life
One day at a time
You're losing your mind
Slowly giving into thoughts of the unknown
I, well I've cut that tie
And in time you'll find
That it's just an illusion... [confused confusion](*)
Life's too short to wonder
Your heart won't lead you astray
[Don't close your eyes to yourself]
(*)
(spoken)
I'm broken, lifeless
I give up, where are you
In all my bitterness
I ignored what was real
And what was never true...
SLEEP CHILD, SLEEP
Innocent eyes
They cut so deep
Can’t let you
Comprehend my demise
Sleep, child, sleep
Let your dreams
Keep you safe
From my pain
I won’t let you see it
Bleed, I will bleed
Pour another drink
Think, why can’t I think
Sleep, child, sleep
Let your dreams
Keep you safe
From my pain
I won’t let you know it
Cold, cold world, just go away
These innocent eyes will go astray
Strangers introducing harsh reality
Sleep, child, sleep and
Dream a dream of peace for me
Innocence will be stolen
Glance by glance
Nobody has a chance
In this life
To escape for long
From the burning need
To belong
*All that I have
I will give, I will give
I want you to live
A better life than I’ve lived (x2)
Sleep, child sleep
Sleep, child sleep
Dream a dream of peace
Tonight
And I’ll dream for you
And I’ll live for you
And I know that you will be alright
Let’s dream a dream of peace tonight
MASSIVE DOWNFALL
I once again congratulate
The illusions in my head
For the disaster they now orchestrate
Will haunt me 'til I'm dead
I have become irrational
I've bit into the bone
Casting off all hesitation
And bearing everything alone
I can't begin again
Nothing's left within
There is no standing tall
Inside this massive downfall
I'm empty now
I'm shutting down
Watching, waiting, wishing
Loving, hurting, missing
I'm simply existing
Tell me, where did I go wrong
For longing to belong
There was a price
How can I begin again
With nothing left within
There is no standing tall
Inside this massive downfall
I'm empty now
I'm shutting down
I'm sorry, you see
This isn't really me
It's just my misery
And this is but a dream
I'm ready for my waking
Heaven shine a light down
I'm hoping for my taking
Please release me now
A shred of truth, a shard of hope
Are you for real
Is this a joke
My fire for life is burning low
If I cannot heal
Then how do I let go?
Down, down, down
Falling free
I hear the darkness call to me
As the earth spins away from the sun
[Massive downfall] I come undone
Come undone
CHILD INSIDE
Child inside
Shaken and scared
She knows she's done wrong
Punishment is prepared
Child inside
Never got to express
Her innermost desires
They all regressed
Child inside
Never acknowledged
Words always ignored
Child inside
Child inside
Child inside
She still cries
I KNOW
It hurts, I know
To be better off alone
Didn't really want to let this go
But it's fine
As long as you don't remind me now
*I know
I used to love you
Let the time wash away
What was mine
Feel free to objectify me
If it helps you to
Justify the truth
It doesn't hide quite as well
As you had hoped it to
These whispers nullify the hurt we do
Another day
I'll fade away
Into your dreams, I know
Where you can't hide from me
And you could never choose
How to feel
It's the only thing
That's ever really real (*)
I know the need to control
I know the need to let it go
I know it all will balance out in the end
But I don't know how to help you mend
When I am so cut open
You got a taste of
The salt in these wounds
Oh, didn't you
Don't you know?
How it hurts
I know
Oh, oh, oh
But there's so much
You don't
NEVER SURRENDER
Can't drink away the darkness
Can't keep running from the light
That's blinding me
You're finding me
Broken down inside of my own walls
This palace of shame crumbles
To the ground
And it doesn't make a sound
Captor of a lifetime, suffered
The hero of a listless lover
Sweetly fade to nothing in my arms
I can't help but be alarmed
You never surrender
Keep flying high
Cover up my entire sky
I'll awake with my humility
There is no saving me
If you don't try
Can't hope away the sorrow
Can't think about tomorrow
No, not today
There's just too much in my way
Floating down under the pressure
I'll hit the ground
We'll make this better
And if I break again
Well, I'll be stronger in the end
I'll never surrender
Keep flying high
Cover up this entire sky
Awoken by your humility
There is no saving you
If I don't try
They've watched me lie
And I lay awake
Overwhelmed by
All these open doors
No matter which one
I choose to explore
I'll make another mistake
But that's the only way
To really know that you're alive
I've learned too much
And yet it's never enough
But I will never surrender
Never surrender
current mood:  calm
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1:42 pm - Free?
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The bird, so free
Quickly spreads his wings
Arises
Soars to safety
He perches up in the Oak tree,
shifty eyes never resting
His reaction to my hand is to fly away in fright,
Earnestly seeking the comfortable isolation above
So I ask myself
Is he really all that free
if he also runs from love?
Is the ability to trust,
however damaged,
something that we take for granted?
What really makes a spirit free?
The ability to fly away
Or to never feel the need?
current mood:  creative
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1:21 am - where I'm at, I've never been before
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I've never felt so lost and insecure.
I've overcome so many bad habits from my past, but only by replacing them with more socially acceptable means of hindering my reality (ie, alcohol).
I've tried to pray and I feel nothing - I've seen too much, my faith is gone. Who do I lean on now? My friends and I lean on each other, and sometimes drain each other, but they are my greatest comfort. As well as my children, no matter what else happens now, no matter that I've basically had everything I could ever ask for at one point in time only to watch it all dissolve into chaotic memories and aboundful regrets - I have to keep going.
I have to truly love myself and take responsibility for my actions. I want to earn people's respect, I want to make people proud of me, I want to be proud of myself. Who sets the bar for expectations? How high is too high, how low is too low, when simply breathing seems like an all consuming task in the now. I've stepped back to try and make sense of the craziness that has driven me over the past few months and I still can't understand why nothing worked out the way I thought it was going to. I've felt such disappointment, such rejection, such confusion, such discouragement, and so very hopeless. People can only say and do so much to help and/or hurt you. The rest is up to you. It's all up to me now. I need to focus on the one person who I truly can't live without - myself. I need to love her, comfort her, tell her she is beautiful and that someday there will be beauty and understanding brought from this pain which currently suffocates. I have to keep on pushing forward and be the change that I seek... no more trying, only doing!
current mood:  blah
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| Saturday, February 7th, 2009
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1:45 am - Lonely
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Nothing hurts me worse than to be ignored. Scream at me, tell me that you hate me, make me understand how you feel, and why you feel how you feel. What did I do wrong? How do I right the wrongs? Can I? What's the best thing that I can do now? To be silent and slowly disappear, and let time swallow the last drops of laughter?
I know I'm damaged. Disasters are not so beautiful, but there is potinetial in me, and I want for someone to believe in me, to reassure me, to comfort me, to dry these abusrd tears. I need some advice.
I want... to be wanted...
current mood:  discontent
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| Monday, January 26th, 2009
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8:13 am - darkness
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Buried in the darkness, will I bloom once more?
Heaven's light can't reach me, you'll have to pull at me from the core.
Is this real enough for you? Why are we so confused...
current mood:  intimidated
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| Tuesday, December 16th, 2008
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12:59 am - Wow
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I haven't been on here in... almost two years?! Holy crap!
I read back over some older entries and, wow. This is where I wrote most of the deep stuff. Ah, memories.
My boys are getting so big and smart and handsome!
Life is getting better, slowly but surely. =)
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| Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
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1:22 am - Long time no write...
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As for my life update... I'm getting divorced later on this month.
I've been doing pretty well, all things considered.
It's 1:30 am and I should probably be getting to bed so I'll mess around on here more later!
current mood:  confused
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| Thursday, August 17th, 2006
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4:10 pm - grrr
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I still love him...
We're so different, but he has my heart.
How can I be a good person if I’m not good enough for anyone to want to be a big part of my life? I mean…
I know I have SOME good qualities, but the damn depression overshadows them.
slkhg9pshgosdjpsofhasogihsdopghsdpgoh
current mood: depressed
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| Saturday, July 29th, 2006
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1:26 pm - Goals, plans, and yadayadayada
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I can't belive it's almost August already - ahhh! LOL.
One thing I've been learning about myself is that I am a detail oriented person - I have to have a very detailed plan/routine to stick to; I thrive on structure and if my days aren't structured, everything is chaotic, including my eating!!
In other news... next Friday - 4th of August - is my birthday. wOOt! I'm going to go out to eat at Garfield's [I'll do a chicken salad w/dressing on the side, or something] w/some friends, then go out dancing and drinking... did that Thursday night and it was so much fun. Even though I'm at the highest weight I've EVER been at not pregnant... I'm learning to love myself for my individual personality and feel more confident in myself than I have in a long time. And that seems to be shining through... had more guys hit on me the other night than I have in a long time. Strange how that works. LOL.
<3
Mel
current mood:  determined
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| Sunday, July 16th, 2006
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11:05 am - So much has changed...
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Josh and I are seperated now, divorce pending.
I was working at Wal-Mart, but I've been through 4 daycares, my oldest may be slightly autistic (it's taking them forever to dianose anything, *sigh*, he's been in speech therapy for almost a year now!) - so for now I'm staying home w/them until I find a place that will work with them, especially Trev...
This has been a stressful, yet freeing experience. I'm learning to do things for myself again, because I'm worth it.
I hope everyone out there is doing okay - I'm sorry I haven't been around but I'm here now! I'm melgsunshine on yahoo messenger and missmelissa24 on aol messenger if anyone ever wants to hit me up.
<333
Melissa
current mood: complacent
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| Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
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11:39 pm - just got out of the hospital
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Thanks salsa, Fate, and crystalclear for your advice and encouragement. It's much appreciated. =)
<3
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| Friday, December 16th, 2005
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2:12 am - er
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I am in a really funky mood. I want to cry, but I can't let go. I'm shut up inside.
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| Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
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11:42 am - Dear Santa
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 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
In November I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). In June I bought porn for ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) libby487 (10 points). In May I turned comfortmarie in for farting in church (3 points). Last Thursday I bought porn for spunky84 (-10 points). Last Tuesday I gave toomuchrunning a Dutch Oven (-10 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-83 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!
Sincerely,
sillymillymel |
hahaha
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| Friday, November 25th, 2005
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1:40 pm - Happy Thanksgiving!
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I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Mine was good!
| You Are The Stuffing | 
You're complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.
People miss you if you're gone - but they're not sure why. |
Now it's time to start shopping for Christmas! Hehe.
<3
Melissa
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| Friday, November 11th, 2005
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2:27 pm - recent happenings...
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Been awhile since I've made an entry here! Let's see, what's new...
Well, we might sell the duplex we own and move into the house Josh built that he was going to sell, because it hasn't sold yet and it's a $700 month interest payment, so it'd be cheaper to just move into it for the winter and sell our duplex, get our equity back out of the duplex and pay off some debts and get a different car, finish out the basement partially in the new house, and sell it next spring. I'm just going to hate moving here and there, but it's probably for the best.
The boys had a fun Halloween. Trevor was a Ninja, and Jonathan was Barney. When I get some pics developed, I'll post them!
I'm still battling depression off and on, ugh, the battle that never ends. But the low times make me appreciate the good times even more, that's for sure.
Well I'd better get to cleaning my house, it's a mess!
Holla at me with what's new with you!
<3
Melissa
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| Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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9:33 am - well now
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Long time no write in my LJ. I go through phases of LJ/Xanga/Myspace...
I'm doing okay... good except for the body image issues. I hate that my appearance is always on my mind 24/7. I don't like feeling so shallow, I'm really not, but I can't stop thinking that I'm ugly/fat. ??? I hate losing and gaining and losing and gaining the same 15-20 pounds over and over again. I don't know what to do. I thought hey, maybe I should just drink coffee today, I obviously need to shrink my stomach. Will that make things better or worse tomorrow? I don't know. I want to go on a road trip and go fishing and ride a horse and skip some rocks in a pond, I want to help people, I want to make a difference in the world, but I can't get past this one freaking hang up that makes me hide away. So what if I have a bump in my nose and have chubby cheeks? I just wish I knew how other people saw me. I have gained a lot of weight since a year and a half ago... it helped when we lived in the country and I could exercise at night time, jogging the circle drive... Josh gets home so late from work these days that I can't find the time to give my all to exercise. I'm sure when my boys get older, it will be easier. But I need to lose the weight NOW.
*sigh*
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| Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
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6:26 pm - nowhere else to write this...
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My husband told me something a few months back that he never ever should have freaking told me, because now it's going to be stuck in my mind until the end of time. "It's a good thing you had to wear a smock at Wal-Mart, if I would have seen the size of your butt then, I probably never would have asked you out!!"
Nice. Real nice. I'm a pear shape. So it's like, wowzerz, a size 6/7/8 is not small enough, and I can't get any lower without hurting myself. So why even bother losing weight at all?!?!?!?! Why should I if it still won't be good enough?!?
My mind is just stuck on that... I hope I can get out of this rut, I know I've gained some weight. Oy. o_O
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| Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
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1:13 pm - life is a funny thing
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The last couple of days have been rather trying, but it's all good now.
Best things I've heard/read/said during the last few days:
"Caller ID is truly God's gift to dysfunctional families."
-- Random person on a random message board.
"I cannot believe you guys!!!"
-- Said by a friend after another friend shined a flashlight into her window at 11pm, interrupting her and her husband while they... yeah.
"Dude, I just sat in the van, drinking my energy drink."
-- Me.
"Well, I found out what was clogging the toilet. Did you ever wonder what happened to all of the Q-TIPS?!"
-- My husband, upon finding what must have been 100 Q-TIPS which had been flushed, stacked upon each other, and clogged up the toilet real good. Hey, at least it wasn't my cell phone. And that toilet works again now. Yay!
"I may not be where I want to be, but I'm sure as heck not where I WAS."
-- Winona Judd on OPRAH talking about how much weight she's lost... I can really relate to that one...
"CALL ME THIS EVENING WIGGA"
-- Text message I recieved. Wigga is simply a funny word. Especially since it implies that I am trying to act like I'm black, which I am not, nor even CAN. Because I am whiter than a cracker in a bowl of clam chowder soup.
"Oh my gosh. Wow. It really IS a lot smaller. I didn't even realize it until you said that. Wow. That's so cool!"
-- My husband, said while he was feeling his butt after I informed him that it looked quite a bit smaller since he got back from bootcamp.
"You'll never hear me say that I know how you feel. Because that would be condescending and cruel, because I don't know how you feel..."
-- Dr. Phil.
This strikes me as funny because there was no reason to say it like this except to make himself look *even* better. He could have simply said "I've never been through this, so I'll never say that I know how you feel, because I don't."
"Never indulge in sado-masochistic or bondage sex play when you're angry with each other or when your relationship is having other problems which could run over into your erotic games." (Good advice to heed, young ones.)
-- Ask Dr. Tracy.
"Whoever said "nothing's impossible" never tried to nail jell-o to a tree."
-- Lisa Bryant
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-- Fred Allen
That so needs to be on a T-shirt!
"Oh no! Oh no! OH NOOOO! Uh-oh! Mama, oh no!"
-- Jonathan, with his hands up in the air acting all innocent and surprised, after he had purposely gotten a box of pop tarts out of the cabinet and opened them all and spread them all out on the floor in a path.
What a ham...
wOOt
I feel dazed today...
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| Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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8:25 pm - kids...
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My weight is still the same... argh, frustrating! - 13 pounds but still, I should have been less by now...
Adventures in mommy land...
I talked to someone at the door for maybe 2 minutes, turned around and noticed that my boys weren't watching Sponge Bob in the living room anymore. Looked in their toy room, nope, not there either. Then I heard a "CLINK" noise and thought... oh, crap.
They were in the bathroom. All 4 of the remaining rolls of toilet paper had been stuffed into the toilet, and the toilet had been flushed Lord only knows how many times, so a nice waterfall of water was overflowing onto the *carpeted* floor. Not to mention that a box of q-tips had also been dumped into the overflowing loo, and were flowing back out onto the floor as well. My eyeshadow had been knocked out of the case and was spread out all over the vanity counter and all over my youngest son's legs. He had also decorated himself with my $10 tube of stay-put lip gloss. He now has dark red streaks in his hair.
And I still haven't been able to get the toilet unclogged, argh. I wonder what else they put in there... we have another full bathroom in working condition thank goodness.
Well off to try to unclog the toilet again, toodles!
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| Thursday, September 15th, 2005
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5:05 pm - Josh is coming home...
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Josh just got to call me.
He's coming home next week.
He kept having migraines and ended up passing out and convulsing and they had to take him to an ER and do a CAT scan and other tests -- he still wanted to stay (begged to) but the doctor bluntly said "NOT JUST NO, BUT HELL NO" because he's so sensitive to light and heat and everything, that he could end up having a stroke later on in life and lots of other minor complications if he stayed... the doctor told him that he could tell from the CAT scan that he had migraines and whatnot... huh.
I'm sad that he won't get to achieve this dream of his. But he told me that he'd learned a lot about himself while he was there.
I'm glad that he will be home soon, I've missed him so much, but we do have a lot of stuff to work through...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
SO, yep.
I'm happy and sad at the same time...
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